Just Because You Can Knit It…

…Doesn’t Mean You Should

Since knitting took over my life these past few months, I’ve been looking at a gazillion knitting patterns. Because I really need more projects on my project list. And more yarn bursting out of my closet. Really. I do.

But in the plethora of knitting patterns, there are good and there are bad.

I preface this post with the following: I am not a fashion goddess. Vogue Magazine is not banging down my door to do a photo shoot of my fabulously, stylish wardrobe. In the words of Freddie Mercury, “bad mistakes, I’ve made a few…” Like the horrible linen thing that touched me everywhere and flattered me nowhere. Or the flash dance days when scissors and my clothes were best of friends…But I digress.

I apologize at the start if I insult anyone’s fashion-ability with what I’m about to show you. As they say: one man’s horror show is another man’s love story. (OK, no one really says that, I just made that up.)

Let’s begin:

I’m not sure if this pattern book irked me because of the perky, annoying, girl-next-door-Katie Couric-type model. Or that the patterns inside are so god-awful. Or both.


But look at this poncho. I have nothing against ponchos. I like them. I currently wear one that I knitted and I’m struggling to knit another.


But this poncho? Why? Who? WTF?

This next number I found in a book called “Hip Knits.”

Nice book. But then I started turning pages.


Hip Knits. Oh. I get it. Knits that run out of yarn before they reach your hips.

Um.

The black bar? The fringe?


Ah. That's what was missing.

I bet this would come in handy…

…in a very cold and drafty CONVENT!!

Now really, how much more SHIT could you knit into one truly ugly scarf? Squares. Assorted stitch patterns. Variegated yarn. Eyelash yarn. Tassels. Oof.

And what do you say when opening the box? “Oh, this is just beautiful. You shouldn’t have” Really. You shouldn’t have.

Again, let me repeat. I like ponchos.


Not color-coordinated dishtowels.


Or ponchos that just barely cover ‘the ladies.’

This book is called “Fur all the Time.”

Should be called “Fur. Why?”


You look like…a Gorilla.

Now, maybe in some circles, gorillas are fashionable. But when you meet your friends for dinner and you’re wearing this, do you want them thinking: “I hope they’re serving bananas foster tonight or she’s going to be one pissed off primate.” I didn’t think so.

I love hats. I love furry hats. The more hats the merrier and the fluffier the better.


But a hat that looks like a Smurf barfed all over my head? No.

This fur jacket is really pretty.

No, it’s not. I’m lying. It’s really ugly.

The furry poncho?

I repeat: Just because you can knit it...

And not to slam knitty.com because I love it and all -- but Cleaves? Personally I think they've missed the boat on this one. Who gets cold elbows??