I Am Obese

Yup. It's official. I'm obese.

I'm 43 years old (horrors!), almost 5 foot 9, wear a size 12 on most occasions, and yet, I'm obese.

O.B.E.S.E.

Not pleasantly plump. Not slightly overweight. Obese.

I could live with "she could lose a few pounds." I would prefer that some of my pants were less snug. And really, who couldn't drop 10 pounds and look better?

But obese? I'm having a hard time with this one.

Just where am I getting this data? Tanita. The scale people.

It all started with an Amazon Prime membership*. That's where you pay Amazon a $75 flat fee per year and get free 2nd day shipping on ANY product sold by Amazon. (The fine print: sold by Amazon -- not a third party merchant.)

Even with the fine print, it's a great deal. Especially if you share the membership with a friend from work. (You can add up to three family members on your account.) So according to Amazon, Christina and I are sisters. Hi Sis. How's your free shipping?

Anyway, back to my little obesity issue.

Christina ordered a new Tanita scale through her Amazon Prime account. (The amount of Amazon stuff that now arrives at our office is a little scary...).

She loves it. It's all digital. It gives body fat and water content percentages. Me, being the shopping whore that I am, think: "Why shouldn't I spend $50 bucks to save $7.99 in shipping? I need a new scale. My scale must be 15 years old, isn't digital and I should know my body fat and water percentages, too."

Two days later my scale arrived.

The next morning I got on it.

And holy fat ass, Batman -- my body fat percentage came up as 44%. Forty-fucking-four percent. What is that??? My body is almost 50 percent fat??? How could that be? Am I one of those people who don't realize that my belly is hanging over my pants? My ass fits in a coach airplane seat just fine. I work out. I can get my heart rate to 165 and still breathe. Yet I'm 44% body fat??

Then I look at the handy chart that Tanita provides, and low and behold -- I'm obese.

My husband doesn't believe any of this. He completely poo-pood their claims:

"Tanita has patented a revolutionary new way of measuring BIA that is faster, easier, less intrusive and includes a precision scale making this a simple one-step process. In fact, Tanita was the first company to introduce the world to the body fat monitor/scale. Tanita's monitor looks just like a bathroom scale. A person inputs age, gender and height, then steps onto the platform. Electrodes in the foot sensor pads send a low, safe signal through the body. Weight is calculated automatically along with body fat content in less than a minute. All Body Fat Monitor/Scales and UltimateScales feature Tanita's patented BIA method."

But he's not the one they're calling obese. I think it's time to find me someone with some fat calipers and determine my true fat count.

After I have my ice cream Sunday, of course. (Ha!)

*Imagine if Amazon sold yarn? It would be insane.