Knitted Curtains?

Come on.



I got this via email today from KnitPicks.

"Add a feminine touch to your kitchen with this lovely lacy curtain."

Lovely?

Feminine touch?

How desperate are we that we're making our kitchens feminine and knitting our own curtains??

Even Scarlet O'Hara would think this was retarded. Emails like this give knitters a bad name everywhere.

If you get to this point, it's time for a new hobby.

I'm not even going to mention the tea cozy also promoted in the email...

You Say Fashion Show, I Say Fugly

This is one of those posts where I might insult some of you. Yet I don't feel I need to apologize in advance. I say that because on some level, I feel those who are insulted are really the ones who need to apologize to the rest of us.

What am I talking about? Knitters who give knitters a bad name.

We've all experienced it. We tell someone that we knit and the conversation goes south pretty rapidly. For example, who among us hasn't experienced a similar casual conversation:

Knitter: "Yes...my (insert: weekend, evening, vacation, commute on the bus, etc.) was nice, too. I got to work on a bit of my (insert current knitting project) and make some progress."

Friend/acquaintance of knitter: "Ha! Knitting. My grandmother used to knit. Yeah, that sounds really hip."

Knitter: "No, it's not knitting like that. I don't make doilies and tea cozies."

Friend/acquaintance of knitter: "Yeah, right. Sure you don't."

And there you have it. The perception that knitting is grandmotherly. Many non-knitters out there think that knitting is all about dorky, unnecessary household items, misshapen sweaters, ugly unwearables and scratchy wool items that need a few months with some moths in a dark, damp place.

They don't understand that knitting isn't like that. Knitters are not required to be in a rocking chair with a cat underfoot as they knit into oblivion lining their drawers and cabinets with lacey placemats and gifting their families with ugly items.

We, the knitters, know that. We, through our blogging and shopping at great yarn stores and felting and knitting truly beautiful stuff, hopefully are changing the perception of knitting-is-just-for-grandmothers thinking one non knitter at a time.

But then, out of the blue, you come across a link from the recent Knitting Guild of America's Knit and Crochet Show held in Northern California.

And all bets are off.

This, my dear fellow knitters, are pictures from their Fashion Show held in April 2006.

Am I the only one cringing at these so called fashions?


What IS this thing??


Please tell me you DIDN'T knit a top and matching skirt.


Last I checked, hot pink doesn't match green and black stripes. That aside, this wrap-cum-scarf-cum-giant tube is just fugly.


Knitting with rags. It's the new cool. Really, it is. You haven't heard?


I'm not picking on this item because the woman is large. I could care less. I'm picking on this because it's UGLY. In any size.


No doubt this was a complicated piece to knit. That doesn't make it pretty.


This pattern as a scarf? With different colors? Maybe. As a square jacket that touches you everywhere and flatters you nowhere? No.


Hi. I know A LOT of stitches. Some of them are really, really hard. And I'm going to knit a sweater that incorporates every single one. In one garment. I am. I am.
Hi. It's still ugly.

Was that the whistle for the fashion train about to leave the station? Ladies, aka "Fashion Show" winners? You just missed the train.

Is Ugly the New Pretty?

This is my completed Zephyr poncho from the Rowan Plaid book. I finished it over a month ago but didn't have the heart to post anything about it.


Rowan Plaid "Zephyr" Poncho

Why?

Because I hate it.

Is it possible that ugly is the new pretty? If so, then I'm in luck. But since it's not, I'm SOL.

All that time. All that yarn. All that money. And now I get to rip. Again.

I hate the ripping. But I hate the ugly, so I guess I'll have to rip.

My friend Marissa says to take off the fringe and maybe that will help. My husband says to post the completed disaster on ebay and hope to get 20 bucks for it. I say I'll just rip and make something else out of the yarn. One day. Like 2025.

I already have the yarn to make the Rowan "Thunder" poncho.




But I'm afraid. Very afraid...What if that one is ugly too?

What do you think?

Who Would Do This To A Baby?

The Lion Brand yarn company. They call it "a clever baby headband" -- part of their "one-hour holiday projects."

I call it pathetic. Making this kid a fashion victim at such a young age just can't be good.

WTF???

I received the KnitBits newsletter from Berrocco the other day:



Are they kidding me? Does anybody think this "vest" is nice? I think it tops (no pun intented) anything in my "Just Because You Can Knit It" post of a few months back.

I know that the more patterns a yarn company can put out there, the more yarn they will sell, the more money they'll make, the more yarns they can produce. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I'm in marketing.

But this thing? What were they thinking?

Dear Berrocco: I've got a few cats with a couple hairballs they'd like to add to this "design." But I don't think anyone would notice...

Houston, We Have A Problem

It's called the Razor's Edge poncho.


I thought it was so cute.

I saw this pattern months ago in the Stitch 'n Bitch Nation book. I've blogged about my issues with the pattern: I couldn't get the lace stitch to line up. Alas, the pattern was wrong in the book. Their errata web page pointed me in the right direction and I've been knitting this thing like a lunatic for weeks, amazed that my lace stitches were looking so groovy.

But then my husband saw my work in progress.

Me, to husband with squished up nose: "What? Don't you like it?"

Husband: "Well. It's not my favorite of what you've done."

Me: "What do you mean? It's cute."

Husband: "It's so old lady."

Me: (to self): "Oh, you just can't see how the final piece will look. It's a poncho. It'll be cute. Really."

I kept on knitting. I finally got to the point where I could put my head in the hole and try on the project that had been consuming me.


And I hated it.

My husband kept making fun of it. "Old lady. Old lady. Old lady."

Where was the cute poncho from the book? What went wrong? Why was this so thing so friggin' ugly? Was it really ugly? Was I just being swayed by my husband? Was I losing my own ability to recognize ugly?

So I showed it to my friend Marissa.

Marissa: "Well...the color is nice."

Thanks. That's like when you ask someone "does my ass look fat in this?" and they reply with, "those are beautiful shoes."

So the Razor's Edge must be ripped out. It's too big. It's too ugly. And by now, I hate the whole idea of it. It's been a week since I've made the decision to rip, so I'm less sickened by all the time and money I've spent on this thing.

But being the yarn ho I am, I've moved on. My new friend is Rowan Plaid. I've got too many waiting projects to get all weepy about an old lady poncho.


Here's a 2x2 ribbed scarf and hat set in progress.


And my first attempt at cables!

So screw that Razor's Edge.


For now it sits in a bag in my closet until I find the energy to rip.

Just Because You Can Knit It…

…Doesn’t Mean You Should

Since knitting took over my life these past few months, I’ve been looking at a gazillion knitting patterns. Because I really need more projects on my project list. And more yarn bursting out of my closet. Really. I do.

But in the plethora of knitting patterns, there are good and there are bad.

I preface this post with the following: I am not a fashion goddess. Vogue Magazine is not banging down my door to do a photo shoot of my fabulously, stylish wardrobe. In the words of Freddie Mercury, “bad mistakes, I’ve made a few…” Like the horrible linen thing that touched me everywhere and flattered me nowhere. Or the flash dance days when scissors and my clothes were best of friends…But I digress.

I apologize at the start if I insult anyone’s fashion-ability with what I’m about to show you. As they say: one man’s horror show is another man’s love story. (OK, no one really says that, I just made that up.)

Let’s begin:

I’m not sure if this pattern book irked me because of the perky, annoying, girl-next-door-Katie Couric-type model. Or that the patterns inside are so god-awful. Or both.


But look at this poncho. I have nothing against ponchos. I like them. I currently wear one that I knitted and I’m struggling to knit another.


But this poncho? Why? Who? WTF?

This next number I found in a book called “Hip Knits.”

Nice book. But then I started turning pages.


Hip Knits. Oh. I get it. Knits that run out of yarn before they reach your hips.

Um.

The black bar? The fringe?


Ah. That's what was missing.

I bet this would come in handy…

…in a very cold and drafty CONVENT!!

Now really, how much more SHIT could you knit into one truly ugly scarf? Squares. Assorted stitch patterns. Variegated yarn. Eyelash yarn. Tassels. Oof.

And what do you say when opening the box? “Oh, this is just beautiful. You shouldn’t have” Really. You shouldn’t have.

Again, let me repeat. I like ponchos.


Not color-coordinated dishtowels.


Or ponchos that just barely cover ‘the ladies.’

This book is called “Fur all the Time.”

Should be called “Fur. Why?”


You look like…a Gorilla.

Now, maybe in some circles, gorillas are fashionable. But when you meet your friends for dinner and you’re wearing this, do you want them thinking: “I hope they’re serving bananas foster tonight or she’s going to be one pissed off primate.” I didn’t think so.

I love hats. I love furry hats. The more hats the merrier and the fluffier the better.


But a hat that looks like a Smurf barfed all over my head? No.

This fur jacket is really pretty.

No, it’s not. I’m lying. It’s really ugly.

The furry poncho?

I repeat: Just because you can knit it...

And not to slam knitty.com because I love it and all -- but Cleaves? Personally I think they've missed the boat on this one. Who gets cold elbows??