Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Just Because You Can Knit It…

…Doesn’t Mean You Should

Since knitting took over my life these past few months, I’ve been looking at a gazillion knitting patterns. Because I really need more projects on my project list. And more yarn bursting out of my closet. Really. I do.

But in the plethora of knitting patterns, there are good and there are bad.

I preface this post with the following: I am not a fashion goddess. Vogue Magazine is not banging down my door to do a photo shoot of my fabulously, stylish wardrobe. In the words of Freddie Mercury, “bad mistakes, I’ve made a few…” Like the horrible linen thing that touched me everywhere and flattered me nowhere. Or the flash dance days when scissors and my clothes were best of friends…But I digress.

I apologize at the start if I insult anyone’s fashion-ability with what I’m about to show you. As they say: one man’s horror show is another man’s love story. (OK, no one really says that, I just made that up.)

Let’s begin:

I’m not sure if this pattern book irked me because of the perky, annoying, girl-next-door-Katie Couric-type model. Or that the patterns inside are so god-awful. Or both.
Poncho Hell

But look at this poncho. I have nothing against ponchos. I like them. I currently wear one that I knitted and I’m struggling to knit another.

Bad Poncho
But this poncho? Why? Who? WTF?

This next number I found in a book called “Hip Knits.”
Hip Knit Book
Nice book. But then I started turning pages.

Hip Knits
Hip Knits. Oh. I get it. Knits that run out of yarn before they reach your hips.

Um.
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The black bar? The fringe?

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Ah. That's what was missing.

I bet this would come in handy…
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…in a very cold and drafty CONVENT!!

Now really, how much more SHIT could you knit into one truly ugly scarf? Squares. Assorted stitch patterns. Variegated yarn. Eyelash yarn. Tassels. Oof.
squares poncho
And what do you say when opening the box? “Oh, this is just beautiful. You shouldn’t have” Really. You shouldn’t have.

Again, let me repeat. I like ponchos.

dishtowel
Not color-coordinated dishtowels.

bib
Or ponchos that just barely cover ‘the ladies.’

This book is called “Fur all the Time.”
fur all the time
Should be called “Fur. Why?”

gorilla
You look like…a Gorilla.

Now, maybe in some circles, gorillas are fashionable. But when you meet your friends for dinner and you’re wearing this, do you want them thinking: “I hope they’re serving bananas foster tonight or she’s going to be one pissed off primate.” I didn’t think so.

I love hats. I love furry hats. The more hats the merrier and the fluffier the better.

smurf
But
a hat that looks like a Smurf barfed all over my head? No.

This fur jacket is really pretty.
ugly
No, it’s not. I’m lying. It’s really ugly.

The furry poncho?
striped poncho
I repeat: Just because you can knit it...


And not to slam knitty.com because I love it and all -- but Cleaves? Personally I think they've missed the boat on this one. Who gets cold elbows??


14 comments:

Anonymous said...

HIFUCKINGLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANKS FOR THE LAUGH; ACTUALLY, THANKS FOR THE NON-STOP CHORTLE!

Calamity Jane said...

Who wants their cleavage covered? Horrrrrific. You one funny lady.

meow said...

Can this be any funnier?
Not in my estimation.
I may cause myself wrinkles laughing this hardily! But then, maybe some "knitting" genius can create a "wrinkless" doo-dad for me to place over my face when I wear my "cleaves."

katie said...

I can't stop laughing. Don't know if it's the writing or the 'styles.' Wherever did you come up with these bumbling fashion faux pas? Hysterical!

laurie said...

I really need that furry turquiose hat to solidify the spinster crazy lady image LOL.

TOO FUNNY!

Vanessa said...

OMG!! That is hilarious.
I've just started knitting myself - have been crocheting since my great-grandmother taught me when I was about 7 years old.
I've been TRYING to get the hang of knitting, trying different patterns and have been looking through some pattern books - there are some REAL gems out there, and you seem to have found some of the best of them here!

Cupcake said...

Why are there so many ugly knitting patterns out there? It makes me want to cover the eyes of any sheep who happen to be standing nearby and then gauge out my own eyes with a number 13 bamboo needle...

Queenie said...

awesome. that's just awesome! (although i kind of like the brown fuzzy cardigan-jacket-thing, in a weird way.)

just started up a knitting blog to document my fantastic knitting successes and failures.

rincaro said...

Love the black bar.

And I'm with ya on cleaves. I directed someone to knitty to have a look-see at the free patterns and warned them to ignore the scary-ass woman on the front page.

Noo said...

I'm so glad you posted this post. I thought the world had gone mad. Clearly (or perhaps not), Cleaves is rubbish. And yet on countless occasions, I have seen people earnestly discussing the whys and wherefores of the pattern on message boards, etc. Here's a solution: don't knit it.

M.Thom said...

So funny...I haven't even progressed past the scarf stage yet. But man, I make some beautiful scarves!

Okapi said...

Mmmmmm. Cleaves. I can just imagine wearing one and having it slip down to emphasise my excess belly, while at the same time being unable to move my arms. It's like a mini strait jacket.

j2 said...

re: the cleaves

if she doesn't want cleavage showing, i say don't wear a lowcut shirt.

no need to wear an elbow covering huge knitted tube top with arms.

Fire & Ice said...

Wow - I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for venting to us to make our day a bit brighter...but some of those designs might have made it a bit too bright - you're a brave person for finding those and looking at them long enough to post! Thanks!